We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
