I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
