theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
