just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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