I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
