He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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