I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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