She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
