oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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