I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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