Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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