Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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