what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
