i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
