ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
