Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize