You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
