Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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