my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
