weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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