I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
