So drunk its hurt
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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