You made me cry and you don't even care
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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