Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
