You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm too high and old for this...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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