I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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