youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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