My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
