I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
