After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
