It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize