i may or may not be watching the land before time
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
