no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
