Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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