If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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