It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
