I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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