He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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