Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
