I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
