i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize