i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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