Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
