Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
