Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
