i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
