I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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