With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
