when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
