seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
