got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
