My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
