??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
