So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
