ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
