Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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