im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
