what day is it and did you see me today?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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