I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
