I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
