Kiss
Puke
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
