he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
