Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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